The Truth About Motherhood

The following conversation took place while Rowan was on the toilet. It seems like our most enlightening moments occur in the bathroom. Go figure.

Me: Rowan, please don't kick your pants off! I shouldn't have to keep putting them back on you all the time.
Rowan: Yes you should. You're a mommy.
Me: That doesn't mean that I have to do everything for you.
Rowan: Uh huh. You have to take care of me and Daddy.
Me: Then who takes care of me?
Rowan: Um...[thinks about it...laughs]...I don't know. Maybe I can help you sometimes after I get bigger.
Me: Thanks.
Rowan: I yuv you, Mommy.
Me: I love you too, sweets.

I told this story to Kyle, and he immediately started laughing. Then he asked, "Is that funny or not?"

What do you think?

-Angie

Toilet Tricks Only a Mom Would Attempt

Rowan has a bit of a pooping problem.* The little guy holds it in too long. Then, because he’s afraid to release the monster his poop has become, he fights it even more. It’s a vicious cycle, really.

Although our doctor said that constipation is common in toddlers — especially during potty learning — I decided to take action. We’ve been trying the usual remedies (water, fruit, oatmeal) with some success. But none of that’s very interesting.

So instead, I give you the three stupidest ways I’ve convinced Rowan to poop in the toilet:

1. Offering Bribes
   Officially, I’m against bribery. Unofficially, I kind of like it because it works. Well…it sort of works.
   
   My experiment began innocently enough. Rowan was refusing to poop, so I threw him a little incentive. If he pooped in the toilet, he could have a freezie pop. It worked! The lure of an artificially flavored, plastic-encased concoction of corn syrup slush convinced him to set the fighter free!
   
   But it didn’t take long for Rowan to get smart. "If I don't poop, can I have blueberries instead?” Um... What do I say to that? I mean, I’d rather feed him the blueberries, but the kid’s gotta poop. And for that matter, what are we now negotiating? Treats for pushing it or fruits for holding it? Huh?
   
   And then he got really smart. He attempted to score treats for burping, farting and spitting on the couch. I explained that pooping in the toilet isn’t the same as performing rude bodily functions on our furniture. His reply? “Well, if I spit in the sink can I have a treat?”
   
   Ooops.
   
   My current take on bribery is that it only works if you have short-term goals in mind — very short-term goals.
   
   
2. Applying Poop Potion
   I’m not referring to some herbal remedy or traditional cure. Nope, our poop potion is simply a jar of expensive organic moisturizer that I dab on Rowan’s cheek (face, not butt) when he has to poop. (Don’t ask me why I didn’t choose a cheaper placebo like tap water or something.)
   
   Rowan is as convinced that the potion softens his poop as I am that it softens my skin. I doubt it works in either case, but it makes us feel better. I guess that’s all that matters. Kyle just shakes his head.
   
   
3. "Talking the Poop"
   Super embarrassing and highly effective, “talking the poop” is the practice of giving Rowan’s poop a voice — letting it express its own needs, if you will. (No, I'm not kidding.)
   
   It all started one evening during a luxurious bubble bath. I had just settled into the tub with a magazine, when Kyle burst through the doorway, holding Rowan at arms-length.
   
   “Rowan’s gotta poop, and it’s a hard one,” he said, plopping the already grimacing toddler onto his Elmo potty seat. (I know what you’re thinking: “This girl’s life is like a day at the spa!”)
   
   As soon as Rowan’s butt hit the seat, he began fighting the inevitable. Kyle’s coaching didn’t help. “C’mon, Ro. You’ve got to get that thing out, or it'll just get harder. You can do this!”
   
   Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea! (Did I mention that I was enjoying a glass of wine during my bath?) We had to make our case in a more child-friendly way!
   
   To Rowan’s delight and Kyle’s horror, I began talking as though I were Rowan’s poop. (Imagine a cartoonish voice to get the full effect.) “Well, hey there, Rowan! It’s me, your poop. You've gotta push me out, so I can go for a swim!”
   
   Rowan’s imagination didn’t miss a beat in this little improvisation. “But you’re too hard, poop,” he replied. “And I don’t like the toilet. I want my diaper.”
   
   “Oh, I don’t want to be all squished up in some stinky diaper,” I said (as the cartoonish poop, in case you’re not getting this). “I want you to set me free!”
   
   I won’t pain you with further details (this has been painful enough already), but Rowan's poop eventually took a happy trip down the waterslide. “Have a nice swim,” Rowan said as he flushed. “Woo hoo!”
   
   Then he asked for a freezie pop...

There you go. You now know the three stupidest ways I’ve convinced Rowan to poop in the toilet. So if you’re ever in a Target restroom and hear a well-intentioned young mother talking like a disgruntled poop, cut her some slack. She’s doing the best that she can.

-Angie

*Rowan: If you're now 16 and reading this, I’m truly sorry for embarrassing you. You have no idea how wrapped up a parent can become in a child’s bodily functions. I promise you’ll understand someday. Love you!

The "Hole" Story

We visited my Grandma Adeline a few weeks ago. My sister had brought something or other in an Abercrombie and Fitch bag. The model pictured looked so androgynous that I wondered aloud, “Is that a boy or a girl?”

Rowan’s response — and the brief conversation that ensued — caught me off-guard.

Me: “Is that a boy or a girl?”
Rowan: “Well...does it have a hole?”
Me: “A hole?”
Rowan: “Yeah, a hole. Like a butt hole.”
Me: “Um…everyone has a butt hole, Rowan. Boys and girls.”
Rowan: “Then I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. Probably a boy.”

Where did this come from?

I told the story to several people before I remembered that I had, in fact, caused the “hole” situation. It started with an innocent question during the early days of potty learning (more on that later). Poised on his Elmo potty seat, Rowan had asked, “How do girls pee if they don’t have a penis?”

His question threw me. After all, it's the penis-vagina dichotomy that gets all the attention. That comparison, however, means nothing outside the context of sexual reproduction — something 2-year-olds don’t need to know about, thank God.

So, I stumbled. My response, as I recall, went something like this:

“Um…girls pee out of urethras. But…I guess…actually…boys have urethras too. They’re just inside of their penises. So…girls kind of just pee out of a hole.”

A hole. Suddenly, it all made sense.

Why does the female anatomy have to be so complicated, anyway? Or maybe it’s the male anatomy that’s too complicated. I mean, each female part has a pretty specific purpose, right? The penis, on the other hand, has a dual function that makes direct comparisons difficult.

I guess it doesn’t really matter. According to my kid, boys have penises, girls have holes, and I would be the worst anatomy teacher in the history of the world. ‘Nuff said.

(Did I mention that I’m a writer at a hospital that performs tests like voiding cystourethrograms? Sheesh!)

This brings me to Rowan's progress on the potty-learning front…

I say potty “learning” because it’s apparently no longer acceptable among enlightened-mama circles to say potty “training.” You see, training is for dogs. Since children are not dogs (and — let’s admit — much harder to train than dogs) proper decorum mandates that we use the term learn.

(Don’t ask me what animal-rights activists think about this distinction. I have enough to worry about.)

Anyway, after several months’ refusal to pee on the potty, Rowan is now a well-learned boy! He wakes up dry and can stay dry throughout the day. The catch? He doesn’t always tell me when he has to go. My best bet is to take him to the potty at regular intervals.

But I’m happy with our progress. Poop flushing down a toilet is a huge improvement over poop smeared all over a squirmy behind.

Life is good.

-Angie